i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
