i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
