I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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