I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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