Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Girls should come with a carfax report
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
