After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
