So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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