I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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