I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
It was like giving head to a cactus.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
