The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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