i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
