I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
