Say something about gay babies.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
