i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
