also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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