I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
