Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
