I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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