textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
