FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
