jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
