Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
