I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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