I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
