we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
