So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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