party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I deserve this hangover.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
