I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
