Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?