i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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