All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
