it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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