the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
