I'm sorry my penis didn't work
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
