Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
