I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
