the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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