Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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