Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
