Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
