so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
