woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
