don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
