the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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