my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
