She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
