If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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