Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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