Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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