you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
