New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
