no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
