Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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