just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
